In a shocking twist Hillary Clinton has announced that she is running for president. Wait! It gets even better! Apparently she has a vagina. I know. It came as a complete surprise to me too, but evidently its true.
It isn’t often that I think about a candidate’s genitalia. Wait. Scratch that. I’ve never actually thought about a candidate’s genitalia, but since Clinton’s stunning announcement that she would like to be president, I have heard over and over again that she does indeed have a vagina and that if she wins it will only be because of that vagina. Boy, it must really be a nice one.
What’s next? You’re going to tell me our current president is black?!
Why has this news been kept secret? I mean the part about a vagina being the fast track to the White House. Surely there has to have been some other woman that has considered this before. No?
But alas, it may be too good to be true because I was also told that she is filled with hormones. Oh no! Not the dreaded hormones! Surely if we have come up with a medical answer to erectile dysfunction we can combat hormones. Maybe the Secret Service can carry miniature chocolates for whenever she needs a quick fix. Or maybe she’ll just decide to send us to war, you know, because sometimes periods are a bitch and why should wars only be about oil. Why not because we just feel like it?
I’m glad I don’t have to worry my pretty little head about things like learning about the candidates and that silly stuff like where they stand on things. It takes effort to check out who has the best hair and cutest dimples or what color ties match their suits. I really am thrilled I don’t have to go the extra mile and find out what teams they like or what kind of dogs they have, you know, important stuff like that. It also means I can get my beauty sleep. I don’t need to tune into late night for help in deciding how to vote.
How nice that it will be as easy now as just picking a girl’s name, and one that is so easy to remember. I don’t have to think at all. I just have to remember to pick the name of the one who has a vagina just like I do, although if she’s going to the White House hers must really be special.
Maybe after she gets in we’ll get to change President’s Day and make it President’s Week, you know, because we need a week to get over that whole monthly thing. Then instead of going golfing we can have a president that does fun stuff like goes to chick flicks with her best girl friends and then stays up all night in the Lincoln bedroom doing nails and drinking Cosmos and other fun girly stuff like trying on tiaras and shoes.
I’m just really glad that women have made such strides that in 2015 a vagina, I mean, a woman has decided to man up and run for president. I get to share it with my daughter who turns voting age right before the election. it will be monumental as we skip our way over to the polling place and gab about whether our future prez has a Brazilian or a landing strip and discussing which is more presidential?
Oh, the shocking yet joyous news that someone with a vagina is running for president. What better way of getting out the vote! I just hope that it won’t mean a cut in pay.