2020 – The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

2020 has been horrific. I mean, it started off ok, but then…, well, do I have to say it? So I promised the good, the bad, and the ugly, but it may have been a false promise. Haven’t we had enough ugly? I could go on and on about Congress and $600 stimulus checks, but I’m feeling something else.

I’m a big proponent of the whole when life throws you lemons thing, even when I just want to throw lemons back, like really hard. So 2020, that bitch of a year! It was horrendous, but there were blessings. Like, if you think about it, what could you do when you were locked down besides drink and send texts to your poor romantic choices. Yeah, I did that, but I also had time, a lot of friggin time, to really think about life. Yeah, I’m going there.

So early on in this crap I was eating healthy, riding my bike, doing all kinds of healthy stuff. Next thing I know I was eating a bunch of shit, drinking beer, as in one of the worst things to drink, not because of taste, but because of the inevitable beer belly, and, well, I was fortunate enough to live on a beach where I could sit on a raft all day and drink that awful beer, and now its winter and, 17 1/2 pounds later, I’m feeling some of my 2020 choices. And then I thought about my choices and I said f*&k it! Well, in real life I said the actual word with no asterisks or anything. But, my point is that I hate my belly. I hate not having my eyelashes. I hate my grays. I sort of am feeling my wrinkles because they show me that I have the privilege of getting older (not that I’m not going to run for Botox or a plastic surgeon once all this shit ends), but bottom line is that I had time to think. I had time to be grateful.

It made me reflect, restock, you know, all that BS that we read about, but it’s true. Last Christmas, for the first time in years, I had all three of my kids with me. It was glorious, even if my sons were beating the crap out of each other. But I loved it. I loved every second of having my kids all in one place. They’re older now. God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but they’re adults. When did that happen? And how old does that make me?

Old and a beer belly? Do I put that on Bumble?!!!

I’m pretty sure that I’ve digressed. Yeah. I have. But. Hmm. So, what is my point here?

I couldn’t sleep tonight, not really abnormal for this awful year. I opened a photo album and that was it. My kids. Not just my kids, but ALL of my kids. The f*&king meaning of life! How do I do this and give justice to them and how much I love them, all of them?

Not in order of importance, but my kids, the ones I work with. They have taught me things I couldn’t have imagined needing to learn. I have no words to ever express what they mean to me, the things they have taught me, or the gratitude I have for the way they, and their families, have taken me into their lives, their families. They taught me how to curse in Spanish, how to love baseball, how to dance, even if I’m a white girl, so much, so freakin much!

Then, my kids, my actual kids. I sit here tonight listening to Justin Bieber, remembering my daughter’s Bieber crush and getting her tickets to see him. I remember taking my son to see Eric Clapton, yes, ERIC CLAPTON, GOD, and then my other son, and how he was always too cool for me, but how I caught up and offered to get a VIP table to see A Boogie on New Year’s Eve. He turned me down. Yeah, he couldn’t handle his mommy being that with it!

Bottom line though, was life flies, like it really flies. My kids are grown. I don’t know how that happened. I don’t know where the time goes. But tonight, I would have given anything for one night with my kids when they were little. I would have given anything for one night of them asking me for another story, for another kiss, another glass of water. I remember needing them to go to bed. I remember looking at crushed Cheerios and Legos all over (God, how those hurt when you step on them barefoot), and all of the reasons, as moms, we wish the time away. Now I’m wishing for it back, even for one day. I’d let them stay up. I’d read another story. I’d give the tightest hugs and a million kisses. I’d let them eat in bed and have as much water as they wanted. And I’d tell them I love them. I told them, but I’d tell them again. And again. A million times again.

I hate 2020. I hate my 17 1/2 extra pounds. I hate so much. But I love the way it forced me to recognize what is important. I’m carrying extra weight that some will never have the chance to carry. I won’t have all of my kids for Christmas, but I have them, I will always have them. I am blessed. I am beyond blessed. One day 2020 will be a distant memory, but I will never forget the way that it taught me to be grateful for all of the things that I have.

Life in Quarantine

It is only day 587 of this quarantine. My liver is probably gone. I’ve done some questionable things, from a social distance. And I’ve taken time to reflect on my life. Yeah. Great stuff.

First I will say this one thing. Thank God this shit didn’t happen when my kids were younger. I miss them being young. I miss little hands and sweet moments, but, how I thank God regularly that I’m not locked in a house with three little ones, two of them who thought that they were part of the WWE. Oh, and the constant eating, the peeing all over the bathroom, the never wanting to go to bed, and the mess. I’m not a neat freak, by any means, but the friggin mess. Thank you, God, for holding off until they were adults.

Second first. I promised myself that I am not going to end up on My 600 Pound Life at the end of this and have made a point to run, walk, bike, and do some form of exercise every single day. Yeah, with a mask on, even if our federal government hems and haws on whether or not that is necessary. And my essential grocery runs involve no junk food, just liquor. That’s a serious concession.

Anyway, since there isn’t really much to do I’ve been paying attention to social media. Dads are drinking and high fiving and basically enjoying life. Moms are questioning every minute of their day. Is it ok that I didn’t make breakfast? Is it ok that I let them eat cereal for dinner? What if they didn’t brush their teeth? And it makes me cringe.

Moms, stop questioning yourselves. We’re all in the same boat. Well, except those of us who were lucky enough to not be living the Terrible Twos and teenage years during this shit. But basically those of us with older kids, at least those of us who aren’t assholes, will tell you to relax. Let them eat dirt for dinner. Who cares? They’ll survive. Go have a glass of wine, or eight. Go get laid. No, don’t break quarantine. I’m talking about those of you who have a husband or partner that lives there. I mean, married couples have been practicing this social distancing thing for years, but there’s some of you who still want a little. Go get some.

We’ll get through this. Those of you with toddlers and adolescents and even teenagers will love your kids again. They’ll grow up to love you, pee in the toilet, and actually do other productive things. I promise you. Mine have and you don’t know the horror that some of mine put me through.

For now, I’m working in leggings. I just ordered a new pair and they’re everything. But I also know people who have suffered loss, tremendous loss, and I’m grateful that my loss is about superficial things like eyelashes and nails. I’m healthy. My kids are healthy. And right now, that’s bonus stuff.

So take a breath. Do what you need to do to get through this. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for having a meltdown. This is new for all of us. We’ll get through it. And know that there are people out there who care.


Note – If you need help, it is out there. Please call.

Getting Through Corona

There is a possibility that I was wrong. Mark down the date because I am never wrong. But this Coronavirus, well, it got me. No, not as in I have it, but that initially I wasn’t worried. Oh, btw, I still want addiction to get attention like this, but for now, I bow down. Coronavirus, you have humbled me. Still…

First, I’m fortunate to be able to work from home. It is a huge pain in the ass video conferencing all day, writing reports that get presented remotely, and then dealing with my other responsibilities. 

I miss my friends, my work friends, my home friends, my friends who have found their way into my life through different means. I love our Facetime drink fests and my friend who showed up to hang out six feet apart, in respect to social distancing. I love my friends who have texted and emailed, well, just have found ways to be a presence. They remind me of how blessed I am to have a circle, a sort of large circle, of people who are my people, who love and accept me no matter what. I wish for everyone what I have because I have it good.

Since I’ve been a shut-in I have paid attention on social media. I have watched on different platforms as moms apologize for who they are, what they are. As if any apology is necessary. This is new to all of us. We’ve never done this before. Yet moms are apologizing as if there is some handbook that gave us all the rules. That blows my mind.

Moms, stop apologizing. Dads too. As parents there is no quintessential guide. It doesn’t exist. We all know parents who did everything right and had little Johnny turn out to be the biggest fucker on the face of the planet. (Um, not me, but, um). We all know parents who did everything wrong and their little Johnny is now a Rhodes scholar or some shit like that. And, btw, what was right and what was wrong? Do any of us really know? If you say you do, you’re an idiot and a liar.

We’re all on lockdown. At least, we all should be. My kids are older so thankfully I’m not homeschooling my own kids. What a nightmare. None of us chose that. If we had, our kids wouldn’t be off from school right now. But we need to give ourselves a break. This is new to all of us. All of us. 

So your kid wakes up and confuses the fact that he’s not in school with the fact that he’s not in school. HE’S NOT! I’m not saying don’t get down to business, but take the blessing in this. Make some pancakes. Lie in bed together and watch some stupid show or a bunch of stupid shows. You’re never getting this time back, whether you have Corona or not.

There has been a movement to change things in schools, to get away from some of the testing. Now is the time to do all of the things that are important. Love your kids, even when you hate them. Lie in bed, bake brownies, burn the eggs, whatever it is that means you are spending quality time with your kids, do it. And then Facetime your friends and drink, because you deserve that too. But stop beating yourself up.

This is new to all of us. We’ll get through it. And when we do, let’s give the attention we gave Coronavirus to some of the other things that affect our kids, like addiction. First though, let’s get through this, without beating ourselves up.